Monkeys do it. Vampire bats do it. Even bees do it. Altruism is an action from one to another that gives no benefit to the giver. Often in nature, the altruistic beast is actually diminished in some way; i.e., weakened, put at risk, or even destined to death. These are not conscious decisions but are DNA-coded behaviors, making the charitable provider an unwitting accomplice.
For humans, true altruism is difficult to get a handle on. Compassion is often confused with altruism. There is no requirement for a person to move from compassion to altruism. Want to help those less fortunate for a tax deduction and a warm heart? Go ahead.
The truly altruistic act of romance is rare. Romance has its own hierarchy based on expectations for what is returned.
- Blind Romanticism (the desperate actions of mainly pleading men, hoping that some heart-shaped red pursuit will lead to the recipient turning around and reaching for the romanticist)
- Romantic Repentance (digging yourself out of a hole)
- Romantic Manipulation (leading the recipient to decisions through fuzzy, rose-colored glasses)
- Romantic Nurturing (actions that lead to a deepening of affection and emotional connectivity)
- Romance as Altruism (giving with nothing expected in return; pure selflessness)
I find that I have become much more self-centered the last two years in our relationship than I ever was. I’m not sure of the causes, but it has become more common for me to choose myself over my wife. Granted, it is mostly small things, and it may reflect a growth of individual in our marriage yet not at the expense of couple. My wife is free to enjoy time with her best friend, time with her different groups. She is better for it, and I am no worse for it. Whether these times to ourselves are a big deal or not (or even noticed) really isn’t the point.
As a man, a husband, a lover, the opportunity to put yourself and focus squarely on the woman in your life is rare, or at least I think it is. Cut away all of the buzzing of life, the gnats of pressures and children and chores and tasks snipping at your ankles. Push through the legacy of the past, the failures of relationship, the tricks of coupledom. Get through all of this without diminishing it or neglecting it, then place all of your energies on her with a level of subtlety or brashness that you’ve never reached. Is it possible?
Romantic altruism can be the great venture, no question, but it can also be the spontaneous moment of deep love. Can you hold her face and gaze into her eyes and lose yourself there? Can you move your heart to a new place, not contingent on anything she is or does or can become? Can your capacity for love grow without intervention, without the risk of loss to another or to death or to suffereing?
Summertime now, a day like any other day. Can this be a new day in your heart and mine, in your eyes and mine?
Tags: romance
