In case you need a little head start, here are a half dozen or so romantic ideas to get you going.

1. Flowers I’m a huge fan of flowers of all kind, and the more the merrier.  Head to a Fresh Market or Whole Foods and grab two dozen roses, Gerber daisies, or just grab bunches of flowers.  And do this at the most random of times, like a Saturday morning or Thursday afternoon.
2. The Night Away This is one of our favorite things to do, and it’s something that requires a little work on your part if it is a surprise.  Get a babysitter you trust, and negotiate a good rate to come by at 4:00 on a Friday and stay with the kids until 4:00 Saturday.  Plan the menu for the kids, and work on anything required to keep them having fun while your gone.  Make sure your lady’s schedule is cleared the following day.  Then find one of the nicest or most interesting hotels in your city and book a room for the evening.  Pack your overnight bag for her and for you, then sneak it into your trunk.  Add a terrific restaurant for Friday evening, head to your normal dinner place, then tell her that you’ve arranged a new place.  Then let the rest of the 24 hours unfold, whether it be a show, movie, concert, art gallery, whatever she likes to do.  We’ve done this at Ritz Carlton and the W, and it has been both a romantic and relaxing time.
3. Massage This can be a his-and-hers massage or just for her.  If you’re ambitious, then you get a little skilled up on how to give a massage yourself.  The feet are a great place to start (see below).  Giving a good massage is actually hard as you want to move quicker than you should.  Take your time and focus on her.  Add oil and candles to complete the mood.
Instructions for Beginners : Swedish Massage for the Feet — powered by ExpertVillage.com
4. Breakfast in Bed Tried and true.  It requires some preparation the evening before (make sure you have whatever you want to make.  This might mean a quick trip to the market on the way home to get berries, flowers, eggs, juices, and breads.  Sneak out in the morning and put your breakfast together.  I think smaller quantities and more variety works best, so maybe some fruit, berries, an egg or two, croissant, hot tea or coffee, some granola, a couple fresh juices.  Then share the breakfast with her while still serving her.  Once she’s done, draw a hot bath for her, adding some rose petals and other great bath products (just a little).  Then give her some time alone with her iPod and favorite book.  Get the kids out of the house (maybe take them out for breakfast after cleaning up your breakfast mess).
5. Touch Her This is something I struggle with constantly.  How do I approach my wife in a novel way?  If my touch was for the first time, or if my hand brushed a woman’s arm who I worked with and was infatuated with, emotions and hormones would surge through me.  When you have been with the woman of your dreams for five or ten years, her hand becomes too familiar.  You may have to come up with your own artificial tricks to renew the excitement and mystery of touching your true love.  Take her hand in both of your hands.  Run your hands through her hair and massage her scalp.  Sit behind her on your sofa and wrap your arms all the way around her.  Close your eyes, imagine her arm or side or thigh, then move your hands along them.
6. Create a Love Note I am no writer, but some of the greatest words I’ve ever penned have come in the form of love notes to my wife.  Some have come on an occasion, while others have been moments of spontaneity.  I would suggest praying about and for her before you start, as well as having photos and artifacts to inspire you.  Then just let it all out.

These are just a few ideas, but hopefully they can help you to add a little romance in one of the least romantic times of the year, the dog-days of summer.  Any other ideas?

Monkeys do it.  Vampire bats do it.  Even bees do it.  Altruism is an action from one to another that gives no benefit to the giver.  Often in nature, the altruistic beast is actually diminished in some way; i.e., weakened, put at risk, or even destined to death.  These are not conscious decisions but are DNA-coded behaviors, making the charitable provider an unwitting accomplice.

For humans, true altruism is difficult to get a handle on.  Compassion is often confused with altruism.  There is no requirement for a person to move from compassion to altruism.  Want to help those less fortunate for a tax deduction and a warm heart?  Go ahead.

The truly altruistic act of romance is rare.  Romance has its own hierarchy based on expectations for what is returned.

• Blind Romanticism (the desperate actions of mainly pleading men, hoping that some heart-shaped red pursuit will lead to the recipient turning around and reaching for the romanticist)
• Romantic Repentance (digging yourself out of a hole)
• Romantic Manipulation (leading the recipient to decisions through fuzzy, rose-colored glasses)
• Romantic Nurturing (actions that lead to a deepening of affection and emotional connectivity)
• Romance as Altruism (giving with nothing expected in return; pure selflessness)

I find that I have become much more self-centered the last two years in our relationship than I ever was.  I’m not sure of the causes, but it has become more common for me to choose myself over my wife.  Granted, it is mostly small things, and it may reflect a growth of individual in our marriage yet not at the expense of couple.  My wife is free to enjoy time with her best friend, time with her different groups.  She is better for it, and I am no worse for it.  Whether these times to ourselves are a big deal or not (or even noticed) really isn’t the point.

As a man, a husband, a lover, the opportunity to put yourself and focus squarely on the woman in your life is rare, or at least I think it is.  Cut away all of the buzzing of life, the gnats of pressures and children and chores and tasks snipping at your ankles.  Push through the legacy of the past, the failures of relationship, the tricks of coupledom.  Get through all of this without diminishing it or neglecting it, then place all of your energies on her with a level of subtlety or brashness that you’ve never reached.  Is it possible?

Romantic altruism can be the great venture, no question, but it can also be the spontaneous moment of deep love.  Can you hold her face and gaze into her eyes and lose yourself there?  Can you move your heart to a new place, not contingent on anything she is or does or can become?  Can your capacity for love grow without intervention, without the risk of loss to another or to death or to suffereing?

Summertime now, a day like any other day.  Can this be a new day in your heart and mine, in your eyes and mine?

One of the neat parts of the new site design is the Category names and icons that we developed, a fun way of bucketing these thoughts into different categories.  There are a few with no links to date, the most blatant omission being Loving.

In deciding to move toward a life blog, I first decided that it’s OK not to be an expert in a specific topic.  I think what makes this site interesting is that I put my introspection, self-reflection, candor, and probably wallowing right out there.  If it is interesting, so be it.  If it is helpful, well that’s OK as well.

I’ve always felt like I was a romantic man, but my idea of romance has changed dramatically as I’ve matured and as I’ve been married for close to seventeen years.  Romance used to be dispersing romantic items to a woman: candlelight, flowers, locale, sweet words, a dance.  These are all components that are wonderful regardless of the occasion.  I am a big flower buyer, moreso with the cost of flowers dropping dramatically.  Head to a grocery store or Whole Foods, and you’ll find $20-40 can buy a gorgeous bouquet or two dozen roses (the more the merrier).

We’ve been suckered into believing that being romantic is mimicking a movie or television show, or that being romantic is an extra half a minute of foreplay before getting it on.  Let me give you one man’s thoughts, hardly definitive on the subject though as I’d like to really get into this in detail.

First, romance demands nothing in return.  This has to be the hardest hurdle for men to leap when it comes to being romantic.  Most of us are really just puppies; we just want to be patted on the head and told we’ve done a good job.  This is true for handling some rare household chore or some childcare task, and it is true for romance.  Too often, a romantic act is actually a plea for some sort of recognition for the man.  “Look, I’m romantic!” we shout.  Recognition is wonderful, don’t get me wrong, but the point of romance is to center all of your energy, heart, and mental capacity on her.  I wrote this and come back to it after going upstairs for more coffee, and it is so easy to simply fire those words out and move on.  This little gem, however, is the embodiment of romance.  How difficult is it to put your own self-centeredness aside and focus every once of your being on the girl or woman you love?  It has always been difficult, whether we live today in our Crackberry, 24/7 plugged-in world or 200 years ago when loving a woman was a character flaw of a spineless man.

Let me take you through an exercise that illustrates this a bit.  Close your eyes and think of your favorite sports moment.  It may be a live event, watching some great game, or maybe some individual day of glory in your own life.  Remember the energy, the adrenalin shooting through your veins, the euphoria and elation?

Now, purge your mind, and close your eyes again, and put 100% of your mind on the girl you love.  Touch the back her neck, her cheek.  Smell her hair.  See her smile.  Wrap your arms around her.  Watch her walk along a path, oblivious to your presence.

Maybe it’s easy for you, but it is so difficult for me.  And so rare.  So rare to put all of me squarely on her, with nothing asked for in return.  Yes, romance demands nothing in return, but it also starts with me and you.  Most of us aren’t exactly experts at subtlety, so the ability to focus so much and impart such a small touch in return is hardly natural.

Romance is best when it isn’t a special hat to be adorned on a certain date or event. Valentine’s Day, Anniversaries, and Birthdays are the top three days of Romance, and I’m sure some of the most romantic times with a man come during these times.  Yet, there is something a bit artificial in being told by Madison Avenue that it is time to be romantic.  More endearing and impactful are the romantic acts of spontaneity and of out-of-the-blue romantic journeys.  Romance as improv, taking a right turn in an evening’s journey that is all about her is a breath of fresh air.  The same can be said for the typical Thursday that suddenly unfolds before her eyes, with a babysitter arriving unannounced at 4:00PM with a note to get dressed for an evening of mystery, a car whisking her away to her favorite shop where a gift card is waiting, then takes her to the small Italian bistro where you are waiting in your best, with candles ablaze.

Romance isn’t a special trick, don’t mistake it for that.  It isn’t a tried and true out-pitch or cross-over dribble ready to be rolled out whenever we’re in trouble.  Romance should be extra-special on your part, with delightful results to follow.  You can have a single rose on a pillow or a hundred filling a bedroom.  “It’s the thought that counts” is truer in describing romance than probably anything else, especially when romance is premediated.  Focus on her with love relentlessly, and let that take you to the what’s of romance.

Think of this as a preface, and I’ll explore the topic of romance in more detail the rest of this week.  Hope it’s a good start.